Life

Since having babies life changed greatly for me... well der that's what happens when you have kids...but really you have no idea how much things change until it happens to you...
When I was pregnant with Owen I had such wonderful, beautiful ideas of what having a baby would be like...you know think huggies adds.. I kept imagining the moment when I would first lay eyes on my new baby boy and I'd cry just imagining it.
...Then it happened, Owen was born...and I felt numb....I felt shock...I felt like I wanted to put him back...I did not feel like I was supposed to. He cried and cried for the entire first 2 hours of his life...I could not settle him...I could not feed him...I felt like a failure....and continued to feel that way for a long time. Most of Owens first 6 months of life was not pleasant for me. I felt inadequate. I lost my temper so easily. I cried a lot. I was terribly lonely. I felt like I was a terrible parent. But I thought these things were all normal...and to an extent I suppose they are...becoming a parent is a shock. Anyway as Owen got older and decided to sleep during the day things started to get better...I cried less and felt happier.
When I became pregnant again I was over the moon but as the pregnancy progressed I started to become anxious about the reality of having a toddler and a new baby. When Flynn was born the shock was not as great, I'd been there done that and Flynn was such a relaxed, chilled baby but those terrible temper tantrums and the constant crying ( from me) started again. I felt out of control, over whelmed. I wanted to enjoy my kids and I wasn't. Cue those guilty feelings. Every morning I woke and thought ... god not another long day.... I wanted to be anywhere but here... After one particularly rough day I thought this cannot be normal to feel this terrible all the time... I booked an appointment with a councillor and my dr.
The result was I was diagnosed with postnatal depression. I am taking many steps to fix this diagnoses as kids are little for such a short amount of time and I have already missed out on too much... Time to get better....I debated whether or not I was going to post about this, but you know what, it is not something to be ashamed of...



...Life is Difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. Once we truly know that life is difficult--once we truly understand and accept it--then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters."